People commemorated the fifth anniversary of 9/11 in manifold ways.
Some lit candles. Some observed a moment of silence. Some held inter-faith vigils. Others took the occasion to rehash some of their favorite 9/11 conspiracy theories.
While it may sound bizarre and, frankly, downright delusional to you and me, informed citizens of the world, apparently there are swarms of people who believe that, in no particular order:
1. The Bush administration did it.
2. The CIA did it.
3. The Mossad did it.
4. The Illuminati did it.
5. Green-speckled fin-shaped alien life forms from another galaxy did it.
(Note: Options are not mutually exclusive.)
Aside from everything else, you would think that the mere fact of these tinfoil hat types going about the place freely, spouting all sorts of rubbish accusing their government of the cold-hearted murder of its own people without any apparent fear of that same government, would cause some cognitive dissonance. But no, there they are posing for cameras and chatting it up with the media and proudly flaunting “911 truth” T-shirts, just like in that episode of the Simpsons where Homer wears a cap that reads WPP – short for Witness Protection Program.
Perhaps my favorite 9/11 conspiracy theory is the one about the 4000 Jews not showing up to work at the World Trade Center on the day of the attacks.
I’ve always wondered how that one was supposed to work. For one thing, how was the call to stay home supposed to have been transmitted? By way of Zionist decoder rings, one presumes, after a quick consultation with the International Zionist Registry to see who qualifies? What level of Jewish parentage is deemed sufficient to merit a warning? If your half-brother on your mother’s uncle’s side is married to a proctologist, would that count? Oy, the logistics!
Besides, anyone who knows anything at all about Jewish people knows that we can’t keep a secret. The only thing a Jew loves more than argumentation is gossip. A real Jew does not make your fancy distinctions between his business and other people’s business. Before there was instantaneous transmission of digital data over electrical wires, there were Jews. Now imagine 4000 Jews keeping mum about a secret so pivotal, so historical, so epic, that, if known, would entitle the bearer of it to dine out on the strength of this story alone for years to come. You see what I mean? The thing refutes itself.
Imagine Shlomo is at home on September 10 when his phone rings.
Mysterious Man: Shlomo, is that you?
Shlomo: Listen, I told you I’m not interested. Will you leave me alone now? I just got the kids to sleep.
MM: Shlomo, don’t go to work tomorrow.
Shlomo: What’s that? Speak up! You think it’s so quiet here I can hear you whisper? What are you, some kind of pervert? Well, you’re barking up the wrong tree. Go find some other feygeleh to bother.
And the first thing Shlomo would do after hanging up the phone is call his family and friends to tell them about it. “Would you believe? I got this shmuck on the phone, tells me take the day off. So I says, what am I? Made out of money? You think I’m a man of leisure, can afford to sit home all day?”
You get the idea.
I know that this whole idea of a shadowy and sinister cabal of powerful Zionists is enjoying something of a resurgence these days. Over in the Arab world, the idea is so much in vogue that during prime-time Ramadan in 2002, viewers throughout the region were treated to a lavish Egyptian 30-part dramatization of the Protocols of the Elders of Zion – the notorious, turn-of-the-last-century, anti-Semitic czarist forgery that even the Russians don’t believe anymore. It proved such a winning formula that the Syrians followed suit with their own 29-part dramatization shortly thereafter.
This is all very much in line with the thinking of attendees at the 2002 Organization of the Islamic Conference, who gave Malaysia’s then Prime Minister Mahathir Mohamad a standing ovation for a speech during which he stated that “Jews rule this world by proxy. They get others to fight and die for them.” Just yesterday, Sudan’s president claimed that protests against the genocide of its population in Darfur were “invariably organized by Zionist Jewish organizations”, and that any attempts to inject a peacekeeping force into the country would be interpreted as doing Israel’s bidding.
In a sign of the times, Hitler’s Mein Kampf is severely restricted in its European birthplace, but is a runaway bestseller in Turkey and the Arab world (not otherwise known for a voracious consumption of literature). Other anti-Semitic myths by and large eschewed by their Christian originators, such as the infamous blood libel, have been enthusiastically embraced by a new generation of Muslim youths. And do I even need to get into Holocaust denial?
When not plotting spectacular attacks against their own civilians, Jews and their American lackeys keep busy cooking up AIDS, prostitution, tsunamis, earthquakes, and avian flu. While these last are universally unsavory activities, not so the 9/11 attacks, which Muslims in the Palestinian territories and many European countries marked by celebrating in the streets. It has always struck me as peculiarly ironic that the demographic group whose members greeted the attacks of 9/11 with unmitigated joy is also most likely to believe them a Jewish/American plot. Does that make them, ipso facto, supporters of the Mossad and CIA? Or do people eventually just get used to harboring these kinds of internal contradictions without feeling any particular need to resolve them?
We’re often reminded about the world’s 1.2 billion Moslems, usually with the implicit threat of the harm that could result should we incur their wrath (cf. Danish cartoon controversy). [Editor’s note: These numbers have recently swelled to 1.5 billion in the aftermath of Pope Benedict’s comments. The following calculations use the conservative figure.] By way of comparison, the world’s Jewish population is estimated at about 12 million. Math aficionados among you will no doubt have already calculated that this represents 1% of the global Muslim population.
Statistically, then, this means that for every 100 Muslims suffering under the yoke of Jewish domination, there is a single Jewish puppet-master overseeing their subjugation. No matter how highly you may think of Jewish accomplishments in the arts and sciences, or how overrepresented in the political establishment, there’s no getting over that it’s a pretty tall order.
And that is, of course, to neglect the fact that most Jews in the media tend to be outspoken leftists, of whom Bill Maher, Jon Stewart, and Amy Goodman of Democracy Now are only a few examples. You’d also have to ignore stridently anti-Israel Jewish intellectuals like Noam Chomsky. Not to mention that Jews who are prominent in so-called human rights organizations, like Philip Roth of Human Rights Watch or Adam Shapiro of the International Solidarity Movement, tend to be disproportionately critical of Israel. (Shapiro, for example, led a team of “activists” to be used as human shields during the recent war in Lebanon, apparently convinced that the entire population of South Lebanon was insufficient for the purpose. I’d like to see this contingent traipse into Haifa and openly dare Nasrallah to harm them. No, that trick only works when the opposing side has some humanitarian feeling.)
I must say, for a people who are frequently accused of dominating world media, we Jews are not doing a very good job. Take Israel’s recent conflicts in Lebanon and the Palestinian territories, for example. If Zionists are really bent on world domination, then, in light of much of the reporting we’ve seen, we’d have to be abysmally incompetent at it. I’ll venture to guess that someone over at World Zionist Conspiracy headquarters is going to get the sack. I’m much mistaken if heads aren’t rolling there as we speak.
We can conclude that the whole Jewish-domination-of-the-world theory has some glaring holes in it. For one thing, this was the theory in vogue at a time when Jews were being herded into cattle cars to be incinerated in Nazi concentration camps. Throughout history, the perception of Jewish domination is usually directly correlated with periods of their most acute vulnerability.
It brings to mind that old WWII-era joke. Two Jews are riding on a train when one of them notices the other is reading Der Sturmer. Outraged, he cries out, “Moshe, are you out of your mind? Why are you reading this Nazi rag?”
Moshe replies, “I used to read the Jewish newspaper, but what did I find? Jewish-owned businesses closed down and looted, Jews persecuted and attacked, Jewish women and children murdered. So depressing! I felt terrible! But in Der Sturmer, I read that Jews own the banks, Jews control the media, Jews are rich and powerful, Jews run the world. You know how good this makes me feel?”
These days, when neo-Nazi Web site StormFront rails against Israeli oppression of the Palestinians and leftist Indymedia debates whether Judaism, not Zionism, is in fact a form of racism (to cite just two examples I encountered while writing this), when David Duke lauds Cindy Sheehan, when hard right meets hard left in anti-Israel unity – well, maybe it’s time to take a page from Moshe, and tune in to a little Arab TV.